But a healthy dose of advice can often be helpful, insightful and make us feel not so alone. Especially advice about love. Love can make even the most competent and confident person feel like a Muggle on Diagon Alley (see how confused you are if you didn't follow Harry Potter?) Love usually involves being vulnerable, open and honest and it can seem a dangerous road for those of us who don't like the term "Crash and Burn". But most of us, at some point in our lives, will do just that; we will crash and burn in a collision of heartbreak and confusion that can leave us feeling inadequate, trapped or downright broken.
Now for those of you who have never felt that, power on! You are amazing and magical individuals who should be captured and scientifically prodded so that we can all learn your ancient ways. The rest of us have been through more than one disaster and wish to never feel it again. As for me, I am the Queen of Disaster. I can ruin even the most simple of romantic interactions. (I once messed up introducing myself to a guy by tripping over the air and damn near crushing his penis.) Because of my toxic disposition I have always felt I was the very LAST person who should be giving anyone advice about love; who wants to learn how to skateboard from a paraplegic? But the other day I realized I am PRECISELY the person to give the PERFECT advice. Through all my misadventures and mishaps I can steer you of I spend most of my life wallowing in. From the wasteland that is my love life I know exactly what doesn't work. Here are the top 5 lessons I've learned in my unfortunate travels through Relationshipville:
1. Don't bed too soon.
It's so cliche and old school and especially for women very limiting. From the time we can walk our mothers and grandmothers tell us to, "Keep Your legs closed!" And in our progressive and feminist society it is quite true that women should have ownership over their bodies, feel comfortable with their sexuality and have the right to slip between the sheets whenever they want. Here's the thing: you won't keep a man if you sleep with him. Harsh, right? Men are wonderful simple creatures who only want one thing (yes, I'm being sexist. Bear with me, ok?) As a woman, our job is to keep that one thing from him for as long as possible so that he can discover the beautiful souls we possess and not the mind-blowing sexual tricks we can perform. How do I know this? I once dated a guy for a while who I slept with pretty early on after meeting him. We continued to talk for a while but were never official. I once asked him whether he thought I was girlfriend material. He told me flat out that he thought I was great girl but I slept with him so he could never see taking me seriously. After crying for about three days, I deleted his number and realized that if I was serious about anyone I would have to be serious about not sleeping with them as well. This sucks ladies, I know, which is why I am a firm believer of self love. And I'm not talking about the mushy, mantra-repeating, "I am beautiful" kind; I'm talking manual or battery operated. Learn to please yourself and you can actually get to know someone's spirit instead of getting to know their body.
2. Know your worth.
Again with the cliches! But it is true. This particular lesson is taking a while to sink in for me and I know the value of it because I can see in all my failed attempts at love that this is at the core of the issue. Self love is more than just instilling confidence in who you are but it is also teaching others how to treat you. When I was about 5, I was a guru at this. I was able to get anything I wanted from boys. I was that little girl who got candy, tons of Valentine's cards and had a different "boyfriend" every week. Not because I was a basketball wife in training but because when I was 5 I felt worthy. At 5, I had dreams that I believed in, goals that I accomplished (yes, climbing to the top of the monkey bars and hanging upside down counts as a goal) and I never compared myself to others. At 5 I was beautiful and perfect because I believed I was. And so I made boys treat me that way. It was only when I heard my first, "You're ugly" "You're fat" or "You're different"s in middle school that the self worth began to decline; and so did my relationships with men. Now, I spend my time clawing my way back to 5 year old me, who proudly wore butterfly wings larger than she was on a regular school day because she was simply beautiful. Put on some butterfly wings and know your worthy of them; teach other people you're worthy of them too.
3. Say no.
I am not only the Queen of Disaster but I also rule over the land of Yes (I've probably been demoted to a Duchess now). Saying no directly ties to your self worth. People who value themselves say no because they value their time, space and energy. For me, saying no does not feel good. Because I think everyone else is better or more important than me I feel like I'm letting them down when I say no. But what I've come to realize is that I'm only giving away pieces of myself each time I say yes. Saying no hurts at first but it feels good in the long run because I get to keep all those pieces. So that means saying no whenever I want: saying no to a date planned on the same day (yes! I do have other plans!), saying no to habits or traits I don't like, saying no to sex. I dated a guy for 2 years who was sweet but didn't want a serious relationship. What might have happened if I had said no to that? How many guys did I miss out on because I could not simply say, "No. What I want is longevity and commitment." Don't skip life saying yes; if he or she is worth it, they'll understand a good firm NO and either give you want you want or move on. And contrary to popular belief, there is no shortage on people to date; simply a shortage in people ready to demand what they want.
4. Don't love "occupied" people.
One of the biggest heart crushers in my journeys of love was loving someone I could not have. He belonged to someone else and unrequited love is the worst. It wasn't simply the fact that he was in a relationship already but it was the hope that killed me. Hope is a bitch: it wheedles its way into our subconscious and makes us believe in potential instead of reality. I had all these rainbow/unicorn daydreams that when he finally saw who I was and confessed his love for me we could ride into the sunset, have fat little chocolate-drop babies and my happily ever after was guaranteed. Even when I finally "got him" for just a moment that Hope bitch told me my moment was finally here and I could rest assured forever was on its way. Silly Morgan, hope is for kids! When someone is occupied with anything else whether it's a job, a passion or someone they will never be available to you. There's no room. I'm not saying don't date someone ambitious or passionate but don't date someone who puts you second. You are not to be second to anyone or anything no matter what you've come from or through. In this particular relationship he got to pretend to be the good guy and go back to normal while I was left heartbroken, used, discarded and jaded. We all have infinite love to give to both passions and people. If your partner or potential partner is occupied too the fullest with something else, walk away. You deserve someone who is yours and can fit you in their lives not force you in as an afterthought.
5. Don't forget the rules.
No, I am not talking about that age old, slightly sexist bible for dating called The Rules. I'm talking about the Golden one. Treat others how you want to be treated. So often in dating we forget this. We expect others to be mind readers of our needs and get angry if they expect the same. We lie, cheat, scheme and blab to our friends and then complain when our partner does the same. Another ex of mine spent months listening to me rant and rave about how he was never affectionate with me. He never held my hand and he never got into bed and just held me without wanting sex immediately. It was only in a huge argument that he finally got it through my thick skull that I never did the same for him. He stomped around the apartment claiming I never reached out and held his hand and I always fell asleep in bed instead of cuddling and talking. And I realized he was right. If I wanted an affectionate partner I had to BE an affectionate partner. Relationships are HARD WORK in reciprocity. If you want it, you give it. You want respect, give it. You want flowers and breakfast in bed, give them. You want a John Coltrane album and a pink fur thong, give them (ok, maybe not that far). All relationships are give and take so do the work and give love so you can take rest in a partner who fulfills your needs.
Take it from me: if you do not want to end up drinking Sweet Bitch out of styrofoam cups on a Friday night watching a marathon of The Vampire Diaries, please follow my advice! I can assure you that not following it has lead me to quite an unhappy place. And though I enjoy the knowledge and wisdom I have gained through my years of trial and error I would not wish the pain of these lessons on anyone. Love is delicate and beautiful and should be cherished. You should have good memories of lovers long gone not nightmares of relationships gone wrong.
As for me, dating is a no go; I need a break the span of a very healthy body building vegan's lifetime. Plus, I'm pretty sure it's actually illegal and punishable by fine for me to date in about 3 states (4 if you take into account I once stayed in Miami for a week). Take my advice: love is precious but you are more so. Love yourself first and your heart will never steer you wrong.
