So, here's the thing. I have come to the realization about single motherhood. Being alone to raise a child means giving up who you thought you were. But the one thing I can never give up is my love for Dirty South. This music has cradled me from pubescence to the onset of womanhood; nurturing me into the ass-shakin, elbow throwing, ill-grilling woman I am today. I will never give up on its hard beats and asinine lyrics. I have also come to another realization about single motherhood; all I learned on how to deal I learned from this music. Especially on this last visit from my "co-parent", I have recognized that some of the principals of this raunchy genre apply in dealing with not only raising a child by yourself, but dealing with the parent who shoulders less responsibility. Let me explain by picking some pivotal inspiration from the Dirty South catalog:
"SpottieOttieDopaliscious" Outkast
This song is not so much about the lessons of dealing with your current single parent situation, but how you got there in the first place. With blaring trumpets and a 70's pimpin pornstar beat, it reminds you of how you even made a child with someone who you often wish would get hit by a truck. Don't get me wrong, I have all respect for the one who gave me an awesome child. But there are those moments when you say to yourself,"How could I stand to be in the room with this person long enough to commit a carnal act?" With lyrics from the song like, "Her neck was smelling sweeter than a plate of candied yams with extra syrup ..." those recollections start to haunt you ...
"Fuck You" Cee-Lo Green
Now although this is a recent song from a Dirty South artist and not quite considered hardcore, I do believe it epitomizes the mood of resentment I tend to feel after speaking to, texting, or seeing said co-parent. No need for explanation; just draw your own conclusions.
"Knuck If You Buck" Crime Mob
This song is actually geared toward the child. Though it may seem odd, true parenting is about posturing. There is always that awkward moment when your child wants something or wants to do something that you are not willing to give or allow them to do. It becomes a battle of brawn; will you really be able to overpower the whining and puppy eyes of a biologically engineered cute weapon? The answer is, hell yes. Listen, children only respond to limitations and boundaries and without anyone else to support or back you up sometimes discipline becomes about mild physical violence. Maybe you do want McDonald's for dinner Max but you know what? "I come in the club/shakin my dreads/throwing these bows/and bussin these heads". And yes, that means I will bust you in the head to win an argument over something you don't need.
"Go to Sleep Hoe" Ludacris
This is meant for the new parent. There were many nights I stayed up with a screaming 2 month old, praying to God he would give in and just go the fuck to sleep. (Sidenote: there is a now a children's book with that title that I keep on my coffee table to remind Max what should be happening at bedtime.) "Go to sleep" often looped in my head as I rocked him back and forth to sooth his perceived ills. I mean, come on, who wouldn't think to themselves, "Go to sleep Hoe/Go to sleep hoe/If you tired be quiet and go to sleep hoe" as they rock their baby into oblivion? And as the hallucinations and violent thoughts start to set in around 3 am you almost want to yell out,"I'm brown and skinny/but I/fucked up so many!"
"We Ready" Pastor Troy
Now although this artist surely meant his lyrics for trick ass marks in his neighborhood trying to encroach upon his turf I am also sure he meant this song for little 'ol me. I WAS NOT ready to become a single mom. I was not ready for the little things like being a social pariah and dealing with being alone all the time while your co-parent lives the life you wish you had or being deemed "undateable". But I am most certainly prepared now. And armed. I am learning to become armed with protection against fake ass "good guys" who see motherhood as a disease and people who see parenting as an extracurricular activity. I am learning to shield my heart with teflon armor. What others believe about motherhood I call bull-ish; I can be a woman who has needs and desires and also an awesome mom. But that comes with getting serious about not letting people mess with you or put labels on you. "My n###a fuck what you say/ain't no more play in GA" (Ok so I don't live in Georgia but you catch my drift.)
"Move Bitch" Ludacris
Another song for the co-parent. See, when you are not with someone and have a relationship where you feel the other person has no respect for you, you realize how much easier it would be if they were not there. Do not get me wrong; my co-parent IS NOT a deadbeat dad. He has a good relationship with his child and does what is legally required and a little more to take responsibility. The conflicts arises from his relationship or lack thereof with me; how can someone love a child that came from you but completely disrespect you, the child's mother? It is when these thoughts arise that you think I just want the person to "Move bitch, get out the way/Get out the way bitch, get out the way." Let me raise my child in the way I see fit and leave your feelings of impudence towards me behind.
"Don't Save Her"/"Don't Call Me No Mo" Project Pat
Now these are two different songs by the same artist. I have seen and heard countless attacks on the baby momma which is why I needed two songs to address it. As a baby momma I try not to let it hit me in the heart. I have heard about shiesty, shifty, shady, scheming ass broads all my life and I am MOST CERTAINLY not one of them. I try to maintain a level of decorum and respect for those around me and I try to treat others as I want to be treated. This is to say that I try to be as accommodating as possible in a parenting situation that is not ideal. But there are two things I learned in trying to bend over backwards to make parenting "work": once a hoe, always a hoe and at times the best medicine to cure a broken or bruised heart is complete dissociation and loss of contact with the person. Nuff said.
"Stilettos" Diamond
Now this song is included because every once in a while it is essential as a single mother to put on the tiniest, tightest dress you can fashionably fit into and the highest, brightest, cutest heels you can find and go out and rub yourself on as many guys who will never get it as you can. It is not about actual sex or finding a mate; it is about reclaiming your womanhood. All day long you wear, say and do things that are appropriate to raising a child. At times there must be moves that you make that raise hell; just to reclaim you being you. So embrace the lycra minidress (and do some crunches just to make sure the baby weight doesn't hinder you from leaning on the bar). "Stilettos pumps in the club/ Who ever thought that these girls would get crunk?" I get crunk because I most certainly deserve it.
Being a single mom is a constant struggle; it is at times the one thing that makes you want to throw in the towel. But the beauty of it? I know that I can handle ANYTHING; forget anyone who says anything against me. In the words of the prophetic Lil Joe, "If you roll up in the club/ and them n###s wanna fuck/When you step up in they face/What they gon do? SHIT!" Thank you, Lil Jon, for teaching us how to handle these haters; ignore them. They just need a little reminder of how great we truly are.
