It was 6:42 am on Christmas morning and I was lying alone on the big leather couch in my parents' living room. I'm starring at the 6" silver tree I bought from the dollar store; it has tiny candy canes and too big gold glitter balls drooping off of it. The blinking multi-colored lights I put up are keeping me wide awake and it dawned on me that when everyone got up in the morning to marvel at my last minute Chrismahanakwanzica palooza that they would all be unwrapping at least one thing from me and I would be unwrapping nothing unless I ran upstairs right that second and put a bow on the two 50 cents washcloths I bought myself on my dollar store run.
No one cares anymore. I spent weeks stressing over what to get people on a lower than low budget. I decorated my apartment and scrounged together money to buy something little for everyone and when I arrived on my parents' doorstep like a transgendered Santa my dad declared he was over Christmas. No lights, no gifts, no tree. I spent my last 3 dollars that afternoon wrestling that tiny silver abomination away from a lady with a beard so that Max would have some semblance of a Christmas morning. So disappointing.
In fact, at 30, every holiday is extremely disappointing. You get all this heavy build up as a kid, with gifts and decorations and "specialness". But the older you get the more the magic and gifts fade on Christmas, Halloween becomes a contest of skin and buying your own candy, and birthdays usually end up with me crying on my bathroom floor. So screw Xmas, you disappointing ball buster! Up yours New Year's where all your dreams fall through! And quite frankly you can kiss my chocolate ass birthday; I will not fall victim to your sick celebration of one year closer to death!
I have decided that all popular mainstream holidays are now defunct. I make a solemn vow to eliminate "Merry" anything from my vocabulary. I pledge to eat candy all year round to make myself fat instead of waiting for a random day in October. And thou shalt not mention my birthday or thou shalt be put to death! Instead, I have decided to celebrate my own holidays. I did some research and I found some for each month that will be solely mine:
January- Hot Tea Month
Yes, I will be brewing a "spot of tea" each day to commemorate this blistery month. On January 3rd, I will also be refusing to go to work in honor of the Festival of Sleep. January 10th is Peculiar People Day so I will simply just be myself and January 31st is Child Labor Day which I'm pretty sure celebrates the inception of child labor rights but I will be celebrating by making 9 year old Max get a job.
February-Return Carts to the Supermarket Month
Dammit! They've discovered that I have those three carts hidden in the laundry room! No matter, White Tee Day on February 11th will allow me to forgo the carts for laundry because I can just go to the African guy on the corner and pick up 5 tees for 75 cents. It is also Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk Day so I guess my whining about returning the carts is for naught.
March- National Furniture Refurbishing Month
This month means I finally have license to cover that armchair with plush stuffed cats! (If you can't be a real cat lady, why not fake it?) March 5th marks Multiple Personalities Day so this means I can slap-a-bitch and blame it on my alter ego Diamond. March 15th is Complain About Everything Wrong Day meaning I'll curse a certain "co-parent" out and March 15th is Everything You Do is Right Day on which I'm assuming he will be sending me oodles of flowers.
April- Uh-Huh Month
All I have to say is: April 29th, Shrimp Scampi Day. Uh-Huh.
May- Fungal Infection Awareness Month
I am wearing a t-shirt all month that says: "If you think winning isn't everything, you've never beat Blastomyces dermatitidis." (I'm having them made!) I will also be holding
a solemn yet elegant service for anyone who wants to join me on May 9th for Lost Sock Memorial Day.
June - National Iced Tea Month
As we "southerners" know, tea should be sweet. Preferably sweet enough to have a tooth fall out and clink with the ice in your glass. So I dare you to try a batch of my best tea on June 1st which is Dare Day. (You have to; it's a Dare!) June 16th is National Hollerin Contest Day which I will celebrate by pinching cute guys' asses, (Ryan Gosling, I'm coming for dat ass!) June 19th is World Sauntering Day on which I will probably be repaid for Hollerin Day due to my mean hip swaying walk and June 23rd is Pink Day. It's my favorite color. Nuff said.
July- Anti Boredom Month
So there is no way this month could even attempt to be boring with my favorite day of the year in it. No, not my birthday on July 7th (curse you!). It's Fried Chicken Day on July 6th!!! And no, this is not my favorite holiday because I am black, you racist. It is because fried chicken is manna sent from heaven for black people specifically, duh!
August- Foot Month
Free pedis for everyone! Just tell the people at the shop it's National Foot Month and I'm quite sure they'll allow you to soak your tootsies for free. In fact, don't even tell them it's supposed to be free until they finish painting your toes; I'm sure they'll be ecstatic. If not, August 13th is Blame Someone Else Day so you could always say it was evil politicians and they're devilish tax policies that made you do it.
September - Self-Improvement Month
I will be spending this month getting plastic surgery so it will be hard for me to celebrate National Punch Day on the 20th but I'm sure the doctor will give me a pass to get that guy on the subway rapping aloud all the lyrics to "Pop That" (the explicit version).
October- Sarcastic Month
OH. MY. GOD. A month just for me. I can't even type right now I'm so excited.
November- Drum Month
This month calls to my roots; I can feel the rhythm welling up inside me grabbing hold of my buttocks and forcing them to shake until I pass out in unadulterated ecstasy. Too far? OK, sorry. Anyways, it is Plan Your Own Epitaph Day on the 1st and mine will read: "Here lies Morgan/Bands did make her dance (And Drums also)". So since I already have that planned out that leaves me plenty of time to prepare for Clean Your Refrigerator day on November 15th (shouldn't that be after Thanksgiving?) and Use Even If The Seal Is Broken Day on the 24th. Oh bottle of half drunk Robitussin . . . I'm sure I'll be fine . . .
December- Stress free Family Holiday Month
OHHHHHHHHH!!! This month was supposed to be STRESS FREE! I thought is was Think About Stabbing At Least 3 of Your Close Relatives in the Eye Month. Now that I know, I'll dial it down some. It's quite helpful that National Cotton Candy Day is on the 7th (yes!). The following day, the 8th, is Take It In The Ear Day. I have to leave that one alone. And finally on the 30th its Big Changes Day. Ironically, that is today, the day I'm writing this post and I must say, this unconventional holidays thing is a big change I'm beginning to like.
So again, screw Xmas. I hate you and you can't come over and play. I will be too drunk on the glory of the Souls of Dead Whales Day on December 10th next year to even notice if you come.
And before you get all, "Well Christmas isn't about gifts. It's about family and love and laughter and blah whiny blah blah blah" let me just say, I know! CHRISTMAS isn't about that but XMAS is. Xmas used to be about what you got and who gave it to you because people were attempting in their own screwed up way to get at the heart of Christmas which is making others feel loved. When your family decides that it's just another day it makes you feel just the opposite. It's not about the gifts and the tree but it is about acknowledging the specialness of those around you. In the absence of that effort, believe me, it feels meaningless.
So on this first celebrated Big Changes day I am going to make sure I remember 1 thing: I can still be special even if I'm the only one who thinks it or acknowledges it. I'm loved because I'm learning to love me. That's how I'll make my days merry and bright and how I want to ring in the New Year. Screw a White Xmas; I'm voting for Mocha Brown Morgan Days this year.
