I didn't want to open up this can of worms but I feel like it had to be done. When negativity invades my life, I often get a nauseating knot in my belly and for the last week my stomach has been doing flips. I need a thorough cleansing and the first step is to get all of the sludge out of me so here goes; what else is a blog for except to get on your soapbox and rant?
I just finished a "conversation" with a friend in which he told me about a song that berated black women for getting mad with black men when we see them with a white woman. The songs verses where about using up white chicks and contained metaphors of white chicks as drugs and the end included "instructions" to black women. It told us that the reason black men date white women is because they are willing to just love them and that if we wanted to be with a black man we needed to stop arguing. Accompanying this information in the background is a black woman going off and a man saying "shut up bitch". This song is a joke; it is supposed to be funny.
On my birthday (Dirty 30!), I was looking over Instagram and came across a post picturing a variety of asses. The caption read something like, "I like em slim; no fat asses here," to which I jokingly replied, "Well, I guess you wouldn't like me then." The response was "Sorry @cookiecuffer (that's my Instagram name) but I don't date black women just everything else." Maybe I should have tapped out there but being the oh so angry black woman that I am (satire folks), I just had to open my big fat mouth and say how sad it was that someone who is black wouldn't date black women. We got into a little Instagram war (oh wordplay!) and I finally said, "You know, I wish you peace and love in your life and everyone's path is different," to which I got the response that black women can never handle this type of conversation and we're always arguing and angry. Hunh?
These are just two of the incidents that I have encountered over the past week that have explicitly told me how I am angry, argumentative, and ugly as a black woman. Coupled with remarks by rappers about not dating "dark butts" and the lovely interactions I had in college which included remarks about never dating dark women unless they made up for being dark by having long hair, I am spent. I have been attempting to keep my mouth shut (though it is hard for me because as a consequence of being a black woman I have a pension for being a loud mouth) but it is eating me alive and I feel like if I don't speak up I will choke to death.
Now, anyone who has read this blog knows I have no problem with dating outside of your race (AHEM, Tricky Ass White boys anyone?) I believe that love comes in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and sexes. Where I do take offense is when I am repeatedly told by some black men that they WILL NOT date black women because of our "flaws" and then place us all in a tiny box where we are supposed to be happy and silent about it. If one more person tells me that I should let it roll off my back I might just lay them out on theirs. I am told I take myself too seriously because I don't support the writing of songs, articles, and movies that ascribe to the "angry black woman" ideology. I mean, come on! It's all just jokes, right? Being told constantly how inferior you are is fucking hilarious; I'm laughing so hard right now on the inside it hurts.
Except that I'm not laughing. Assertions that dating white women is easier or better are degrading to BOTH black and white women. This belief assumes that white women are all docile, complacent, sex slaves who just love to be stepped on by any black man who comes along. I take offense to that FOR white women everywhere; I know plenty of intelligent, opinionated, passionate and assertive white women who would cuss you out if you even suggested these things to them. And as for the damage done to black women, again, it puts us at the bottom of the barrel. The saddest part about it is that no other race seems to have men who adamantly profess how much they hate the women of said race. I have never heard a song from a white guy that professes how much easier it is to date black women and how white women should, "shut up bitch". I've never seen a post where an asian man says he just can't see dating asian women because they are not attractive to him and get on his nerves. There are so many stereotypes out there that defame all different races; how does it serve black people to perpetuate the stereotypes and constantly fight against each other even as a joke?
But I think the most maddening part of it all is the response to my questioning of this societal norm. When I say to someone, "Why is this funny and how is it ok to hurt me?" I am told that first of all it is not hurting me and second that I am the problem. See, there I go arguing again; why can't I just take it for a joke? The craziest part is that many of the men who say these things really don't see it as harmful. In the discussion about the song, I asked how this person would feel if their daughters listened to this, and I was told that they would think it was hilarious. The sickness that we as black people have taken on is that we have internalized so effectively the hatred of our own skin that we now do it to ourselves and claim it's ok because it comes from us. Teaching a young black girl to like and laugh at a song about the perks of dating white women over black women is like teaching her to enjoy having someone spit in her eye. I have literally spent HOURS crying about this not just because it hurts my feelings to hear people disrespect me but because my daughters might know the same fate. They will hear how ugly and abrasive they are and be told to swallow it with a smile. They will be told that it is not degrading and they should just take it and rise above. When they venture out to date another race because they feel like they have limited options in their own they will be called traitors. And sometimes it will eat them up so that they lay down for any man who comes along just grateful that he could somehow get past all of their imagined blemishes and failures. When do we say enough is enough?
I know many of you will disagree with me but that is why this blog has my name on it; because it is mine and contains my opinion only. (Nan nan na boo boo!) You want to rant about how angry I am create your own blog (though I suppose there are probably already 50 million blogs about how angry I am so you may not be filling a new niche.) ALL people deserve love and respect and I can't stay silent and let people shove bullshit down my throat. So, I have decided finally to let it go; I have to if I'm going to be a happy and healthy person. But letting it go does not mean tolerating it. To any man (no matter what color) who wants to sing me a song or read me a quote or show me a movie where anything derogatory is said about black women (or any woman) and then tell me it's a joke, know that you will get the same response. If you spit in my eye and then tell me that you didn't mean it that way I will have the same reaction. And if you stomp on my feelings and tell me I imagined it all I will reciprocate that action. In a very calm, docile, and complacent manner I will smile, say "Fuck you", and take my loud, abrasive, aggressive, dark, nappy-headed, big lipped, fat assed black self somewhere where they can appreciate me. Now don't get mad if that's with a white man; hey, you said I wasn't good enough for you anyways. And doesn't that negate your right to tell me who to love especially when everyone else except for me is so appealing to you? And isn't this a free country? Oh, I thought so.
I just finished a "conversation" with a friend in which he told me about a song that berated black women for getting mad with black men when we see them with a white woman. The songs verses where about using up white chicks and contained metaphors of white chicks as drugs and the end included "instructions" to black women. It told us that the reason black men date white women is because they are willing to just love them and that if we wanted to be with a black man we needed to stop arguing. Accompanying this information in the background is a black woman going off and a man saying "shut up bitch". This song is a joke; it is supposed to be funny.
On my birthday (Dirty 30!), I was looking over Instagram and came across a post picturing a variety of asses. The caption read something like, "I like em slim; no fat asses here," to which I jokingly replied, "Well, I guess you wouldn't like me then." The response was "Sorry @cookiecuffer (that's my Instagram name) but I don't date black women just everything else." Maybe I should have tapped out there but being the oh so angry black woman that I am (satire folks), I just had to open my big fat mouth and say how sad it was that someone who is black wouldn't date black women. We got into a little Instagram war (oh wordplay!) and I finally said, "You know, I wish you peace and love in your life and everyone's path is different," to which I got the response that black women can never handle this type of conversation and we're always arguing and angry. Hunh?
These are just two of the incidents that I have encountered over the past week that have explicitly told me how I am angry, argumentative, and ugly as a black woman. Coupled with remarks by rappers about not dating "dark butts" and the lovely interactions I had in college which included remarks about never dating dark women unless they made up for being dark by having long hair, I am spent. I have been attempting to keep my mouth shut (though it is hard for me because as a consequence of being a black woman I have a pension for being a loud mouth) but it is eating me alive and I feel like if I don't speak up I will choke to death.
Now, anyone who has read this blog knows I have no problem with dating outside of your race (AHEM, Tricky Ass White boys anyone?) I believe that love comes in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and sexes. Where I do take offense is when I am repeatedly told by some black men that they WILL NOT date black women because of our "flaws" and then place us all in a tiny box where we are supposed to be happy and silent about it. If one more person tells me that I should let it roll off my back I might just lay them out on theirs. I am told I take myself too seriously because I don't support the writing of songs, articles, and movies that ascribe to the "angry black woman" ideology. I mean, come on! It's all just jokes, right? Being told constantly how inferior you are is fucking hilarious; I'm laughing so hard right now on the inside it hurts.
Except that I'm not laughing. Assertions that dating white women is easier or better are degrading to BOTH black and white women. This belief assumes that white women are all docile, complacent, sex slaves who just love to be stepped on by any black man who comes along. I take offense to that FOR white women everywhere; I know plenty of intelligent, opinionated, passionate and assertive white women who would cuss you out if you even suggested these things to them. And as for the damage done to black women, again, it puts us at the bottom of the barrel. The saddest part about it is that no other race seems to have men who adamantly profess how much they hate the women of said race. I have never heard a song from a white guy that professes how much easier it is to date black women and how white women should, "shut up bitch". I've never seen a post where an asian man says he just can't see dating asian women because they are not attractive to him and get on his nerves. There are so many stereotypes out there that defame all different races; how does it serve black people to perpetuate the stereotypes and constantly fight against each other even as a joke?
But I think the most maddening part of it all is the response to my questioning of this societal norm. When I say to someone, "Why is this funny and how is it ok to hurt me?" I am told that first of all it is not hurting me and second that I am the problem. See, there I go arguing again; why can't I just take it for a joke? The craziest part is that many of the men who say these things really don't see it as harmful. In the discussion about the song, I asked how this person would feel if their daughters listened to this, and I was told that they would think it was hilarious. The sickness that we as black people have taken on is that we have internalized so effectively the hatred of our own skin that we now do it to ourselves and claim it's ok because it comes from us. Teaching a young black girl to like and laugh at a song about the perks of dating white women over black women is like teaching her to enjoy having someone spit in her eye. I have literally spent HOURS crying about this not just because it hurts my feelings to hear people disrespect me but because my daughters might know the same fate. They will hear how ugly and abrasive they are and be told to swallow it with a smile. They will be told that it is not degrading and they should just take it and rise above. When they venture out to date another race because they feel like they have limited options in their own they will be called traitors. And sometimes it will eat them up so that they lay down for any man who comes along just grateful that he could somehow get past all of their imagined blemishes and failures. When do we say enough is enough?
I know many of you will disagree with me but that is why this blog has my name on it; because it is mine and contains my opinion only. (Nan nan na boo boo!) You want to rant about how angry I am create your own blog (though I suppose there are probably already 50 million blogs about how angry I am so you may not be filling a new niche.) ALL people deserve love and respect and I can't stay silent and let people shove bullshit down my throat. So, I have decided finally to let it go; I have to if I'm going to be a happy and healthy person. But letting it go does not mean tolerating it. To any man (no matter what color) who wants to sing me a song or read me a quote or show me a movie where anything derogatory is said about black women (or any woman) and then tell me it's a joke, know that you will get the same response. If you spit in my eye and then tell me that you didn't mean it that way I will have the same reaction. And if you stomp on my feelings and tell me I imagined it all I will reciprocate that action. In a very calm, docile, and complacent manner I will smile, say "Fuck you", and take my loud, abrasive, aggressive, dark, nappy-headed, big lipped, fat assed black self somewhere where they can appreciate me. Now don't get mad if that's with a white man; hey, you said I wasn't good enough for you anyways. And doesn't that negate your right to tell me who to love especially when everyone else except for me is so appealing to you? And isn't this a free country? Oh, I thought so.
