The Shit List

Oh, it's time to vent. Maybe it's the summer heat or possibly the lack of sexual activity in my life but it's about time I expressed the deep seated anger I feel towards many things. The Shit List is a time treasured resource used to not only prioritize offenders past and present but to also put them on notice; you will no longer reign over my life or have dominion over my emotions. It is a cleansing and spiritually purifying experience to create a Shit List; I suggest that you drink chamomile tea and burn sage  while chanting buddhist prayers as you write.  After writing one there is no limit to what you can do with it. From posting it on your door to ward off unwelcome guests to burning it and releasing the ashes over an open fire hydrant to release negative energy. Whatever you have to do to let people know you are no longer messing around, get it done!

Many people in history have created and adhered to a Shit List, including some people you may be surprised by.  Both Martin Luther King Jr. and Ghandi had Shit Lists which both had "violence" written right at the top. George W. Bush has one that includes "black people" and "dictionaries". Nicki Minaj has the colors "gray" and "black" and "quiet time" on hers while Kim Kardashian's list starts with "sense". Even Jesus had a list which had very few people on it; it only included "the devil", "people who judge and ostracize others", and some guy named Steve who sat on and broke a chair Jesus had just finished lacquering.

So you see, The Shit List has been an honored tradition  among people from various walks of life. From celebrity nitwits to our risen Lord and Saviour everyone needs a way to let the universe know what is not acceptable in your space. Here is my list and I want no arguments about it! The list has been drawn thus sayeth the Lord of  Blogs!

"Social media"

Yes, that means you Facebook. Because nobody ever checked you, Instagram, or Twitter and said, "Wow, I really feel good about myself today!" I have, however, looked at these sites and felt like walking into oncoming traffic after seeing how much better everyone else's life appears to be going.

"The Sun"

Yeah sure, it gives us life and energy and shit but it also makes sure that right after I take a shower I walk outside and acquire a layer of grime and sweat that makes me feel like I haven't washed in two years.

"Max"

Maybe you think it's wrong to put your own son on your Shit List but the blog is called Bad Mother; what did you expect? And if that little gremlin asks me for a damn Metal Fusion Beyblade for his birthday one more time I'm going to make him watch Democracy Now for a week! All he does all day is watch videos on YouTube of people playing with their Beyblade toys; who does that?!

"Train beasties"

This is what some of my old students call people who stand in front of the train doors when I'm trying to get out and make it hard for me to exit the train; you can't get on until I get out asshole! It also includes people who lean on the pole with their whole body so that I can't hold on, people who purposely take up more than one seat, and that dude who kept pushing his pelvis forward so that every time the train swayed he could rub against my butt. You think I didn't notice jerkwad?!

"Guys who won't date me because I have a child (especially guys who won't date me because I have a child and they have a child of their own)"

First of all, when did  children become the devil? When did being responsible for something other than yourself become the worst possible trait you could have? And when did, "Oh we're dating? Hello new daddy!" ever come out of my mouth? How can you judge what a relationship will be like with someone you've never been with because of a decision they have made in their past? I'm sure many of you have made some fucked up choices you just don't have evidence to show it. My son is a blessing and makes me the wonderful person that I am; how can that be wrong? And if you have a child of your own and you think dating someone with a child is "too much baggage" look in the mirror!

"Chick-Fil-A"

Yeah I said it! We all know that's not really chicken in the first place and your waffle fries are stale. But who the hell gives you the right to judge who someone is allowed to love? Did you not read Jesus' Shit List? Being judgmental gets us nowhere. And no one gave you authority to do it especially because you just make chicken for a living! Stick to deep fryers and shut up!

"Fine ass guys"

This may come as a surprise to you but you are being put on notice. Nobody told you to come outside looking like that, with your muscles and biceps rippling and your smooth supple skin! I do not appreciate you sauntering around looking all put together in your stylish clothes with that gorgeous smile. And the audacity of you to have sparkling eyes and put together hair?! Wtf is wrong with you?! That is simply offensive and you have been warned!

Whew, that felt good! I am sure I could add on to this list but I will save that for another day. Hopefully, I have helped someone to feel vindicated in their indignation against some perceived wrong against them. But remember this: the Shit List only works if you completely let it go. Remember, the only person you hurt by holding on to negativity is you. So go forth, prosper! Let the Shit Lists begin! And let the world know you are not a force to be trifled with!